Escape

I had a serious bout of depression today. I cried multiple times, and at first I didn’t understand why.

But as I ruminated in my thoughts, I realized it’s because of a confluence of factors that ultimately boil down to the feeling of being trapped—physically, mentally, and socially isolated.

As someone who used to travel the world and crave adventure, I thought about how the next time I would use my passport would be for a very special occasion years from now, if not much longer. I thought about the memories that often return on my life before cancer. I thought about my nonexistent social life and nonexistent career. I thought about how lonely and isolated I am. It hurt to face these thoughts.

I have been very privileged and remain so in many ways, and precisely because of how lucky I have been to experience what many others never do in world travels and higher education, it pains me even more to be forced into a life of painstaking precaution and isolation. I don’t feel free.

I am so lucky to still be alive, and there should be no “buts” about it, BUT I am a young adult who is somehow still holding onto dreams and desires. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel sad.

I will be okay. We all need the lows to appreciate the highs. Waiting for my high.

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