So, I’m totally expecting to feel the opposite of the title of this blog post soon, but in the process of awaiting my diagnosis, I am refusing to be anything but. Mostly.
Because while writing this, I am definitely coming to terms with what is almost certainly lymphoma.
I don’t know what stage yet. I don’t know how my mind or body will react to the chemotherapy, and I just don’t know a lot of things right now.
You know how much I hate uncertainty. We all do.
I am taking a medical leave of absence from school this semester, and while it will be difficult for myself, I hate having to think about how difficult it has already been and will be for my family and friends.
I’ve been trying very hard to distract myself so far, still going to all my classes and internship. But tonight was my last class, and things will move quickly from now on. My full pathology report will come in tomorrow, having been told the initial diagnosis. I will also be seeing Student Health to start and hopefully complete the leave process. On Tuesday, I’ll meet my oncologist.
Am I scared? Yes. I would be lying if I said I did not fear knowing exactly what this pain has been for the past two months. Today is Thursday, and I only found out about this cancer on Tuesday, and yet it feels like so much time has already passed.
Yeah, it sucks to have been told that it likely was benign, only to be thrown for a complete loop. But allow me to focus on why I still am happy and remain stubbornly so.
1 — Love
Maybe it’s true what they say about love. Maybe it doesn’t heal all wounds, but the love from my parents, my sister, my boyfriend, my friends has all made me feel incredibly lucky, grateful, and happy that I have such strong, genuine support and care. I just have to think of them and I am happier.
2 — The Future (Hope)
It’s a distraction, and it’s a good one. I like thinking about the future beyond this period. I like thinking about the opportunities in my academic, professional, and personal lives. I like dreaming. I still can. And even if the dreams become harder to have, I will never lose hope.
3 — Life’s Other Miracles
This could be tied to hope, but there’s also the other dimension that involves current day. Everyday life is full of miracles, both small and big. Life is full of so many possibilities, and we should be appreciative and thankful for our (otherwise) health and safety in the midst of chaos. We are all CRAZY lucky to be living in these times!!!!!!! (Yes, all those exclamation points are necessary af). It might seem insane to be so thankful all the time, so I understand how this is easy to forget. But remember to look up at the stars every once in a while, as I did while walking home from class tonight. Know when to let go, destress, clear your head a bit.
So this is all to say, yes, I am fine.
I will continue to provide updates, mostly just for my personal benefit 😛 Sorry for the burden.